TOPIC 5
COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Lesson: FIVE
Learning Outcome
By the end of this session, the student will be able to:
1. demonstrate an understanding of the importance of communication between spouses and family members
2. identify the types of communication
3. apply and display sensitivity to different people (spouses, parents and children) in presenting ideas and resolving conflicts
4. integrate the Islamic perspective in family communication
Main Topics/Issues/ Points
1. Importance of Communication in Marriage
2. Types of Communication
3. Tips on Improving Communicative Skills
4. Barriers to Effective Communication
5. Informal and Formal Shura in Family Communication
Discussions: Main Ideas
Importance of Communication
Committed families care about the quality of their relationship. They realize communication is important in improving their relationship. Couples who have healthy marriages love and respect each other and communicate that to each other and their children.
Communication between parents and children is one of the prevalent factors in ensuring family success. Thus, it is necessary for parents to develop techniques and skills of communication so that the relationship between family members is handled in a smooth manner. Parents who listen and talk to children wil be able to build positive relationship with their children.
Types of Communication
Communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. Communication allows family members to feel love and care.
Effective communication however requires practice of the skills of listening and expressing thoughts and feelings. Communication is much more than talking. It is what you say, how you say it, why you say it, when you say it and even what you don’t say. Brief description of each type of communication is as follows:
1. Non-verbal Communication: Smile, eye-to-eye contact, being friendly, warm, open, closed, relaxed. Not to frown, glare, disinterested, lack of eye contact, loud, hostile, sarcastic, closed, distant, and threatening.
2. 
Verbal Communication: Words, manners and tone; speak calmly and respectfully. Parents communicate their expectations: “Sometimes I wonder if you have a brain” …..”What do I have to do to get it through your thick skull?” …..”My! can’t you be more like your brother?”
3. Listening as Communication: Not judging what they have to say or how you plan to respond. Most of the time our thoughts are elsewhere or what we want to say in response, or how upset we are about what they are saying, or worse still on what we wish we were hearing!!!
4. Communication by Example: Parents normally say to their children: Do as I say, not as I do!! Children learn by watching their parent’s actions. Parents with low motivation or who deny responsibility for their failures convey that hard work, determination, and personal responsibility are not important. A parent’s disinterest tells the child that he or she is not important
Tips on Improving Communicative Skills
1. Using “I” messages: describe your feelings and tell how you are affected by your partner’s behavior. "I" messages can express emotions in a way that is not threatening. "I” messages focus on the speaker’s feelings. "I" messages are different from a "you" message. "You" messages blame and judge the other person. "You" messages often trigger defensiveness or hostility in the partner and tend to increase conflict. Think about how you feel when you hear "You always..."
2. 
Using Clear Expression: You may think that your partner knows your needs, feelings, and opinions without your saying them aloud. All too often, that is not the way it is. The habit of expecting your partner to read your mind can result in hurt, disappointment, and misunderstandings.
If you want to avoid this common mistake; simply state your thoughts as clearly, honestly, and positively as you can.
3. Using Good Listening Skills: Send a clear message to your partner and your children that they are important to you. It also shows you care about their thoughts and feelings. Listening without being defensive encourages open and honest sharing. It is the key to preventing problems and to help solve them when they happen.
4. Using Reflective Listening: It is when the listener repeats what he or she has heard using feelings such as angry, excited, sad, etc.
“It sounds like you are unhappy today. Why do you feel so upset?”
5. Avoid “Communication Stoppers/Roadblocks: Parents often shut down communications instantly if they begin conversations with the “stoppers”. Examples of stoppers are: “Don’t talk to your mother like that!”; “If you do that you’ll be sorry”; “You must always….. “.
Rather, parents should allow children to express themselves without interruptions by trying to hear what the child is saying without filtering or editing the child’s words to fit your expectations. Parents should also put themselves in the child’s shoes, not jumping to conclusions, finishing the child’s sentences. It is best that parents repeat what the child is saying to show your understanding and respect the child’s words and ability to know how he or she feels.
6. Finding Time to Talk: Spend time together talking with undivided attention. Make a "date" to talk to your partner or your child. Plan one routine family time each week. Notice those times when your partner seems to want to talk. Talk instead of watching TV. Talk when you take a walk together. Talk while you work together on household chores. Talk in the car while traveling to activities.
Barriers to effective communication
· Poor listening skills: Real communication occurs when we listen with understanding - to see the idea and attitude from the other person's point of view, to sense how it feels to them, to achieve their frame of reference in regard to the thing they are talking about.
· Language: Using negative words, phrases and body language. The choice of words or language in which a sender encodes a message will influence the quality of communication. Because language is a symbolic representation of a phenomenon, room for interpretation and distortion of the meaning exists. Language may also have different levels of meaning
· Cultural Differences: Effective communication requires deciphering the basic values, motives, aspirations, and assumptions that operate across culture. The opportunities for miscommunication while spouses are in cross-cultural situations are plentiful.
· Attitudes : Defensiveness, distorted perceptions, guilt, distortions from the past, spouses’ hesitation to be candid
· Assumption and misreading of body language, tone and other non-verbal forms of communication or assuming others see situation same as you, has same feelings as you.
· Environment factor : Noisy transmission (unreliable messages, inconsistency) receiver distortion: selective hearing, ignoring non-verbal cues
· 
Personal Goals and Priorities : Power struggles, self-fulfilling assumptions
· Distrusted source: Erroneous translation, value judgment, state of mind of two people.
· Interpersonal Relationships: How we perceive communication is affected by the past experience with the individual. Perception is also affected by the relationship between spouses and relationship between parents and their children.
Informal Shura
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Informal Shura is like talking to each other. It may happen at any place and at any time.. Shura doesn’t have to be about family affairs; mutual consultation in the family could be about any topic. A serious topic could be brought up in small doses if Shura is not the norm of the family.
Formal Shura in a family
Formal Shura is a process to reach an agreement on an issue of mutual interest. If the word "Shura" feels too serious, you may consider changing it to "Family Meeting" or "Family Circle". Everyone should participate in Shura with an open mind. Some suggestions on how to do this are:
· This forum should include discussion of any topic from the Quran, Sunnah or current affairs.
· Begin the Shura with Allah’s Hamd, Sana and Salawat on our Prophet
· You have to be willing to sacrifice your opinion if it is not accepted even if you are sure of its soundness
· Learn the details of the topic under consultation before you speak
· Listen attentively to what others are saying by being respectful in discussing each other’s point of view
· 
Remember that the process of Shura involves abiding by what is agreed upon
· Involve all children in the formal Shura of the family.
· Avoid being defensive or sarcastic. Be rational and reasonable
· Make Dua (supplication) for Barakah (blessings) in your decisions at the end.
Remember that Shura does not just entail basic discussion and positive comments. It can also include criticisms. However, it should be with an Adab (etiquette) of giving input and feedback. Check our motives (Niyyah) first and give constructive criticism only to help someone, not to make us feel better than others. Make Dua for yourself and the person you are approaching before you actually do it.
Involving children in Shura
Doing Shura in the family helps children learn how to communicate effectively in a safe, comfortable environment. Parents need to remember that their love is crucial in raising their children, but love alone is not enough to raise a well-adjusted, happy child. Communication is the key for successful development.
The following are some tips to help encourage children to communicate effectively and participate actively in Family Shura:
1. When they are very young, get them into the habit of talking with you about their day and their feelings.
2. Children should be active participants of any formal or informal Shura in the family unless the issue at hand has to be between the father and mother exclusively.
3. Children love to ask questions. Answer their questions with one of yours: "what do you think?" Think of their questions as the start of a two-way conversation (mutual Shura may pop in at any time).
4. Let children come up with solutions. Instead of giving advice, ask: "so what would you like to do about this?" or "How do you think this should be handled?"
5. 
Maintain your sense of humour. Laughing won’t undermine your authority or sabotage the lessons. Rather, it will enhance your capacity to communicate with them.
6. Respect children’s opinion by carefully listening to what your children have to say without being judgmental.
Selected Quotations
Quotations
“Sticks and stones are hard on bones; Aimed with angry art; Word can sting like anything-- But silence breaks the heart” ~ Suzanne Nichols
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships”. ~Henry Winkler
“I like her because she smiles at me and means it”. ~Tas Soft Wind
“Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings”. ~Miles Franklin
“Your children need your presence more than your presents”. ~Jesse Jackson
“It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself”. ~ Joyce Maynard
“Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you”. ~Robert Fulghum
“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it”. ~Haim Ginott
Evidences from Qur’Én
“ Invite (mankind, O Muhammad -peace be upon him- to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Revelation and the Quran) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best aware of those who are guided.” (Q: 16:125)
“O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allah and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth.” (Q: 33:70)
“And those who answer the call of their Lord [i.e. to believe that He is the only One Lord (Allah), and to worship none but Him Alone] and perform As- Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), and who (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation, and who spend of what We have bestowed on them.” (Q: 42:38)
Evidences from the Sunnah of the Prophet (P.B.U.H)
Usama bin Zaid ra narrated: Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) used to put me on (one of) his thighs and Hassan bin Ali on his other thigh, and then embraced us and said: O Allah! Please be Merciful to them, as I am merciful to them.” (Bukhari)
Translation of Selected Arabic Terms
Syura : Consultation
Comprehension Questions
1. How well do you listen to what people say? Do you hear what is not said with words, but with emotions or body language?
2. Do others know your expectations or do you just think they know them?
3. Do you run from conflict or avoid it in some way instead of trying to go through it?
4. Do you leave a conversation when it gets too hot for you?
Selected Readings
Holy Quran: Abdullah Yusof Ali Translation
Mustafa Abdul Rahman (2001) Fourty Hadith, Dewan Pustaka Fajar, Kuala Lumpur.
Haden Elgin, John Wiley & Sons Inc. (1993). Gender speak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Third Avenue, New York,
Don Gabor, Simon & Schuster (1994), Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations. New York.
Deborah Tannen. Ballantine (1991). That's Not What I Meant! How conversational style makes or breaks relationships
John Powell. (1995). Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?: 25 Guidelines for Good Communication. Thomas More Publishing Reprint edition ISBN: 088347316X
Deborah Tannen. Original You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. (2001) Quill;ISBN: 0060959622
Rahmatullah Khan. (2007). How to Communicate Effectively with Your Child. Paper presented at One day Seminar on Islamic Parenting in the 21st Century. Senate Hall, IIUM, Jan 31, 2007.
Stephen R. Covey (1997) The 7 habits of highly effective Families.The Bath Press .Simon& Schuster UK Ltd London
http://web.cba.neu.edu/~ewertheim/interper/commun.htm
