One of the greatest aims of marriage according to the laws of Allaah is so that affection and compassion may prevail between the spouses. This is the foundation on which married life should be built. Allaah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy." [al-Room 30:21]
al-Haafiz Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Affection means love, and compassion means kindness. A man keeps a woman either because he loves her or her because he feels compassion towards her because he has children from her.
Our advice to you is not to ignore the affection and compassion between spouses that Allaah has mentioned in this verse. Think about the Mothers of the Believers, and the womenfolk of the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them all), especially the role of Khadeejah (may Allaah be pleased with her) with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Try to make your family happy and you will see the effect of that in sha Allaah.
One of the greatest means of attaining happiness and cheerfulness is what was narrated from one of the righteous: Kindness is something easy: a cheerful face and a gentle word. So try to adopt this kindness towards your husband – until it becomes ingrained in you – and you will win his heart and make him be affectionate and compassionate towards you.
But before all that, and above all that, our Lord says (interpretation of the meaning):
"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.
But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world." [Fussilat 41:34-35]
Shaykh Ibn Sa'di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: i.e., Good deeds and acts of obedience that are done for the sake of Allaah cannot be equal to bad deeds and sins that earn His wrath and do not please Him. Kindness towards others cannot be equal to mistreatment of them. "Is there any reward for good other than good?." [al-Rahmaan 55:60]
Then He enjoins a specific type of kindness which has a great impact, which is kindness towards the one who treats you badly. He says: "Repel (the evil) with one which is better" i.e., if someone mistreats you, especially if he has great rights over you, such as relatives and friends and the like, and he mistreats you in word or in deed, then respond by treating him kindly. If he cuts off ties with you then uphold ties with him; if he wrongs you, forgive him; if he speaks against you, in your absence or in your presence, do not respond in kind, rather forgive him, and deal with him by speaking kindly; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then speak nicely to him, and greet him with salaam. If you respond to mistreatment with kind treatment, that will do a great deal of good.
"then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend" i.e., as if he is close to you and a good friend.
"But none is granted it" i.e., this praiseworthy quality is not given to anyone "except those who are patient" and put up with what they dislike, and force themselves to do what Allaah loves, for souls are created with a natural inclination to respond to bad treatment in kind and not to forgive it, so how can they respond in a good manner?
If a person is patient and obeys the command of his Lord, and understands the great reward, and knows that responding in kind to the one who mistreats him will not achieve anything and will only make the enmity worse, and that treating him kindly will not cause him any humiliation, rather it will raise him in status, because the one who shows humility for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will raise him in status thereby, then the matter will become easy for him and he will do that with joy and pleasure.
"and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion" because this is a characteristic of the elite people, by means of which a person attains a high status in this world and in the Hereafter, which is one of the greatest and noblest of characteristics. End quote.
Tafseer al-Sa'di (549-550)
If all of this applies to the rights of people in general, then what about the rights of your wife? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands, because of the rights that Allaah has given them over them." Narrated by Abu Dawood (2140) and al-Tirmidhi (1192); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1203).
We have started by speaking to you, because you are the one who asked the question, and we think that you are more likely to listen and respond to our advice. If that means giving up some of your rights and forgiving the one who has wronged you, then there is nothing wrong with that. Who can say that giving up some of one's rights or forgiving some mistreatment is shameful or a shortcoming? Rather it is perfection.
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2588) from Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Charity does not decrease wealth. No one forgives, but Allaah increases him in honour, and no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah raises him in status."
As for speaking to your husband or rebuking him, it is words of sincere advice and a rebuke from those who love good for him and fear for the bad consequences that he may face as a result of his actions; they want to warn him against obeying Iblees and making him happy, and disobeying and incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful, may He be exalted.
As for his obeying Ibleese, Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2813) that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Iblees places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of fitnah (tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says, I have done such and such, and he says: 'You have not done anything.' Then one of them comes and says: 'I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife.' Then he draws him close to him and says: 'How good you are.'" Al-A'mash said: I think he said: "and he embraces him."
As for his incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful and disobeying Him, let him listen to what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah, and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the word of Allaah." Narrated by Muslim (1218)
Is this how you take a trust from Allaah, O slave of Allaah?!
Is this how you deal with the word of Allaah, O slave of Allaah?!
Is this how you respond to the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: "I urge you to treat women well"? (narrated by al-Bukhaari (3331) and Muslim (1468))
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives." Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (3895) and Ibn Majaah (1977); classed as aheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
Or is this what living with them honourably means? Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): "and live with them honourably." [al-Nisa' 4:19]
Is this what taking care of them means? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler of the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband's house and children and is responsible for her flock. The slave is the shepherd of his master's wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (893) and Muslim (1829)
Have you not heard what the great Sahaabi, 'Aa'idh ibn 'Amr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said when he entered upon 'Ubayd-Allaah ibn Ziyaad, the oppressive governor? The Sahaabi said to him: O my son, I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: "The worst of guardians are those who are cruel. Beware lest you be one of them." Narrated by Muslim (1830)
Are you not afraid that you may be one of them?
Have you never heard that everyone gets headaches sometimes.
We have never heard of anything stranger or weirder than this.
Or perhaps you need some proof? Listen to this, O slave of Allaah:
It was narrated that 'Aa'ishah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came back from al-Baqee' and I had a headache and was saying, Oh my head. He said, "Rather, I should say, Oh my head, O 'Aa'ishah." Narrated by Ibn Majaah (1465); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Takhreej al-Mishkaat (5970)
You should remember that when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) died, 'Aa'ishah was eighteen years old, which means that when she complained of this headache she was younger than eighteen, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) believed her and treated her with compassion. 'Aa'ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) was asked: What did the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) do in his house? She said: He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray. Narrated by al-Bukhaari (676)
This is evidence if you need it, but we do not think that you need evidence. Rather you need to act. The way is ahead of you but you are not moving.
We have spoken to you at length, but if a person does not benefit from a little then he will not benefit from a lot.
You should think that you may be afflicted one day and you will need this weak woman to support you and look after your affairs. Would you like her to treat you as you are treating her?
Or would you like her to be better than you, and to believe you, although you did not believe her, and to support you, although you let her down, and to treat you kindly although you are treating her harshly, and to be forbearing towards you although you are treating her ignorantly.
By Allaah, even the sweeter of the two is bitter.
Choose for yourself the path of kindness. "Is there any reward for good other than good?" [al-Rahmaan 55:60]
Monday, December 20, 2010
Family Relationship
Islam is a complete way of life. It considers the family the corner stone of Islamic society. It bases the atmosphere in the family on sacrifice, love, loyalty...
Islam is a complete way of life. It considers the family the corner stone of Islamic society. It bases the atmosphere in the family on sacrifice, love, loyalty, and obedience. When we say "family" we mean the traditional definition of it namely husband, wife and children. Grandparents are also part of the extended Muslim family.
It may be asked here: how does Islam organize family relationships? To answer this we have to concentrate on: husband wife relationship and parent children relationship. As for husband wife relationship the following verse portrays the right Islamic atmosphere:
"And among his signs is this: He created for you spouses from yourselves that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy." (30-21)
The Prophet of Islam p.b.u.h. also stressed these meanings when he said: The best among you are those who are best to their families and I am the best of you to my family. He once exclaimed: (it is only the evil one who abuses them (women) and the honored one is he who honors them). Once a man came to the Prophet p.b.u.h. and asked: who is the person who is most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet answered your mother, your mother, your mother then your father. That is why Islam made Paradise under the feet of mothers according to one tradition of the Prophet p.b.u.h.
If we contemplate the Quran we find that it refers to parents children relationships in four main places. Before it asks children to be good and loyal to their parents it requires parents to be extremely careful in upbringing their children. In other words it asks parents to do their duty before asking for their rights.
Let us contemplate the following verses of the Quran: In the chapter called Luqman (No.31) God says:
"And surely We gave Luqman wisdom saying Give thanks unto Allah; for whosoever gives thanks, he gives thanks for his soul. And whoever disbelieves, Allah is All-Independent, Worthy of Praise. And when Luqman said to his son while he was exhorting him: O my dear son! Ascribe no partners unto Allah. Lo! To ascribe partners (unto Him) is a tremendous wrong. And we have enjoined upon man to be careful of his parents, His mother bears him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years, so give thanks to Me and to your parents, for unto Me is the journeying. But if they strive with you to make you ascribe to Me as partner that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but deal with them nicely in the world and follow the path of him who repents to Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you of what you used to do."
The Quran then continues:
"O my son! Lo! Though it be but the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. For Allah is Subtle, Aware. O my son! Establish prayer, enjoin goodness, forbid iniquity and bear with patience whatever may befall you. For that is the steadfast heart of things. Turn not your cheek in scorn towards people, nor walk the earth with pretenses, for Allah loves not each braggart boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice for Lo! The harshest of all voices is the voice of the ass" (31: 12-19).
These verses provide Muslim parents with the way they should bring up their children, unless they do so, they can expect rebellion and hatred from them; but the devoted parents have full right to what the following verses from chapter 17 enjoin. In this chapter called the Night Journey Allah (S.W.T) says:
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship non but Him, and that (you show) kindness to parents. Should one or both of them attain to old age with you, Say not "Fie'' unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word. And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little. Your Lord is best aware of what is in yourselves. If you are righteous, then Lo! He was ever forgiving unto those who turn unto Him" (17: 23-25).
These are the two main chapters of the Quran that decide and clearly depict the Islamic relationship between parents and their children. It is a relationship based as we see on belief in Allah (S.W.T), and feeling that He observes all what we do and that we are accountable to Him even in the bad breath that we may release against our parents when we are angry. Even this has to be controlled.
Let us remember, however, that it is only parents who do their duty, who deserve this honorable treatment of their children. That is why when a parent came to the Prophet p.b.u.h. and complained to him about the ingratitude of his son, the son said: He was ungrateful to me O Messenger of Allah, before I showed ingratitude to him. So the Prophet p.b.u.h. did not blame the son but disliked the attitude of his parent. This is a message to all parents.
The third place in the Holy Quran that refers to parents-children relationship is in chapter 46 called Al Ahqaf where Allah (S.W.T) says:
"And we have enjoined unto man kindness toward parents. His mother bears him with reluctance and delivers him with reluctance. His bearing and weaning are thirty months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! Arouse me that I may give thanks for the favour where with you have favoured me and my parents, and I may do right acceptable unto you. And be gracious unto me concerning my seed. I have turned unto you repentant and Lo! I am one of Muslims."
Concerning this type of children the Quran has the following comment: those are they from whom We accept the best of what they do, and We overlook their evil deeds among the owners of Paradise. This is the true promise, which they used to be promised (in the world).
The Quran then turns to the other category of children who are disbelievers and are as a result ungrateful to their parents. It declares:
"As for him who said to his parents: Fie upon you both! Do you threaten me that I shall be brought forth when generations before me have passed away! While they too cry unto Allah for help and say: Woe unto you! Believe! Lo! The promise of Allah is true. But he said: This is nothing but fables of the men of old."
Commenting on this attitude Allah (S.W.T) says:
"Such are those whom the Word concerning nations of Jinn and mankind which have passed away before has effect. Lo! They are the losers. And for each there will be degrees due to what they did; and He may recompense them in full for their deeds! And they will not be wronged." (46: 15-19).
The forth and last place in the Quran that refers to parents children relationship is what is mentioned briefly in chapter 29 that says:
"We have enjoined on man kindness to parents. And should they strive to make you join with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do". (29:8).
This verse refers mainly to the unbelieving parents who still have the rights of obedience on their Muslim children unless they ask them to rebel against Allah (S.W.T). In this case they should not be obeyed, but doing good to them should continue regardless of the difference of religion.
In conclusion since the family is the corner stone of society, happiness and prosperity will only be achieved if parents as well as children are committed to the guidance of the Quran, the only guidance proved to be successful.
For in that case all will fulfill their duties and rights in the most satisfactory manner as we have seen earlier.
Islam is a complete way of life. It considers the family the corner stone of Islamic society. It bases the atmosphere in the family on sacrifice, love, loyalty, and obedience. When we say "family" we mean the traditional definition of it namely husband, wife and children. Grandparents are also part of the extended Muslim family.
It may be asked here: how does Islam organize family relationships? To answer this we have to concentrate on: husband wife relationship and parent children relationship. As for husband wife relationship the following verse portrays the right Islamic atmosphere:
"And among his signs is this: He created for you spouses from yourselves that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy." (30-21)
The Prophet of Islam p.b.u.h. also stressed these meanings when he said: The best among you are those who are best to their families and I am the best of you to my family. He once exclaimed: (it is only the evil one who abuses them (women) and the honored one is he who honors them). Once a man came to the Prophet p.b.u.h. and asked: who is the person who is most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet answered your mother, your mother, your mother then your father. That is why Islam made Paradise under the feet of mothers according to one tradition of the Prophet p.b.u.h.
If we contemplate the Quran we find that it refers to parents children relationships in four main places. Before it asks children to be good and loyal to their parents it requires parents to be extremely careful in upbringing their children. In other words it asks parents to do their duty before asking for their rights.
Let us contemplate the following verses of the Quran: In the chapter called Luqman (No.31) God says:
"And surely We gave Luqman wisdom saying Give thanks unto Allah; for whosoever gives thanks, he gives thanks for his soul. And whoever disbelieves, Allah is All-Independent, Worthy of Praise. And when Luqman said to his son while he was exhorting him: O my dear son! Ascribe no partners unto Allah. Lo! To ascribe partners (unto Him) is a tremendous wrong. And we have enjoined upon man to be careful of his parents, His mother bears him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years, so give thanks to Me and to your parents, for unto Me is the journeying. But if they strive with you to make you ascribe to Me as partner that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but deal with them nicely in the world and follow the path of him who repents to Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you of what you used to do."
The Quran then continues:
"O my son! Lo! Though it be but the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. For Allah is Subtle, Aware. O my son! Establish prayer, enjoin goodness, forbid iniquity and bear with patience whatever may befall you. For that is the steadfast heart of things. Turn not your cheek in scorn towards people, nor walk the earth with pretenses, for Allah loves not each braggart boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice for Lo! The harshest of all voices is the voice of the ass" (31: 12-19).
These verses provide Muslim parents with the way they should bring up their children, unless they do so, they can expect rebellion and hatred from them; but the devoted parents have full right to what the following verses from chapter 17 enjoin. In this chapter called the Night Journey Allah (S.W.T) says:
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship non but Him, and that (you show) kindness to parents. Should one or both of them attain to old age with you, Say not "Fie'' unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word. And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little. Your Lord is best aware of what is in yourselves. If you are righteous, then Lo! He was ever forgiving unto those who turn unto Him" (17: 23-25).
These are the two main chapters of the Quran that decide and clearly depict the Islamic relationship between parents and their children. It is a relationship based as we see on belief in Allah (S.W.T), and feeling that He observes all what we do and that we are accountable to Him even in the bad breath that we may release against our parents when we are angry. Even this has to be controlled.
Let us remember, however, that it is only parents who do their duty, who deserve this honorable treatment of their children. That is why when a parent came to the Prophet p.b.u.h. and complained to him about the ingratitude of his son, the son said: He was ungrateful to me O Messenger of Allah, before I showed ingratitude to him. So the Prophet p.b.u.h. did not blame the son but disliked the attitude of his parent. This is a message to all parents.
The third place in the Holy Quran that refers to parents-children relationship is in chapter 46 called Al Ahqaf where Allah (S.W.T) says:
"And we have enjoined unto man kindness toward parents. His mother bears him with reluctance and delivers him with reluctance. His bearing and weaning are thirty months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! Arouse me that I may give thanks for the favour where with you have favoured me and my parents, and I may do right acceptable unto you. And be gracious unto me concerning my seed. I have turned unto you repentant and Lo! I am one of Muslims."
Concerning this type of children the Quran has the following comment: those are they from whom We accept the best of what they do, and We overlook their evil deeds among the owners of Paradise. This is the true promise, which they used to be promised (in the world).
The Quran then turns to the other category of children who are disbelievers and are as a result ungrateful to their parents. It declares:
"As for him who said to his parents: Fie upon you both! Do you threaten me that I shall be brought forth when generations before me have passed away! While they too cry unto Allah for help and say: Woe unto you! Believe! Lo! The promise of Allah is true. But he said: This is nothing but fables of the men of old."
Commenting on this attitude Allah (S.W.T) says:
"Such are those whom the Word concerning nations of Jinn and mankind which have passed away before has effect. Lo! They are the losers. And for each there will be degrees due to what they did; and He may recompense them in full for their deeds! And they will not be wronged." (46: 15-19).
The forth and last place in the Quran that refers to parents children relationship is what is mentioned briefly in chapter 29 that says:
"We have enjoined on man kindness to parents. And should they strive to make you join with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do". (29:8).
This verse refers mainly to the unbelieving parents who still have the rights of obedience on their Muslim children unless they ask them to rebel against Allah (S.W.T). In this case they should not be obeyed, but doing good to them should continue regardless of the difference of religion.
In conclusion since the family is the corner stone of society, happiness and prosperity will only be achieved if parents as well as children are committed to the guidance of the Quran, the only guidance proved to be successful.
For in that case all will fulfill their duties and rights in the most satisfactory manner as we have seen earlier.
Establishing Islamic Family
When we look at the situation of the Muslims today, we can find many problems that affect their family life...
When we look at the situation of the Muslims today, we can find many problems that affect their family life. This situation is a very dangerous problem that may lead to destruction of the Muslim family.
The dangerous results of that destruction will not only affect the spouses, but will affect the whole family and the community in general. This could mean the destruction of society and the failure to transmit Islam to the next generation.
And we can attribute this problem to many causes. These are the most important:
First: Ignorance of many Muslims of what the Muslim family should be according to the Islamic Laws.
Second: The influence of desires, selfishness, and un-Islamic customs and traditions over the behaviors of the members of the family.
Third: Many Muslims don’t care and don’t take this issue seriously until they reach to the point of divorce, or close to it.
Imam Al-Ghazali, was a specialist in treatment of bad conducts, and he came to a conclusion, after long research and experience, that the treatment of all misbehavior among the people will not come only by wishes, but by the use of medicine formed from two ingredients. The first one is knowledge and the second is the implementation of that knowledge. If either of these two are missing, this problem will not be cured. He also added that because the taste of most medicines is sour, the people don’t use it. Or if they use it, they will not complete the dosage. And who does not have enough patience to use the sour medicine, he will not reach the sweetness of the cure.
Today, we will start learning about the family in Islam:
Family is a small unit that consists of the husband and the wife, along with any children they may have. The husband and the wife are the fundamental unit of the family, and they play an important part in building, organizing and taking care of the family from the beginning to the end.
The society is made up of groups of families. So the families are the units of which the society consists. If these units are healthy and strong, the society will be healthy and strong. If these units are sick and weak, the society will be sick and weak.
From this we can understand the great interest and concern that Islam has in the family. That interest is genuine, unlike that which is represented by people running for office. During the voting seasons they use slogans and raise banners in political campaigns about the family for their own benefit. But later, when it is time to put that family issue into reality, all this interest is gone. We know many examples of this practice today.
The interest of Islam in the family is evident in the meticulous, comprehensive, system that runs the affairs of the family. This system starts even before the family is established through marriage, and continues after marriage. It clarifies all the diving rules and guidelines that clearly map out the rights, duties, and responsibilities of every individual in the family (parents and children).
When we say that the rules and guidelines are divine, we should understand the following:
1- The source is the divine revelation: Qur'an and the authentic Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammed (S.A.W.).
2- These divine rules are the correct and can not be false or have mistakes.
3- These divine rules are for all people and address all their needs.
4- They are fixed and cannot be changed or altered because of time and place.
Submitting to these rules and guidelines is obligatory without any hesitation even if they contradict with people's desires, minds or customs and traditions.
Not submitting to these rules and regulations and not implementing them is haram or forbidden. This rejection of Allah's laws, even part of them, leads to misguidance, sorrow, hardship in this life, and regret, loss and punishment on the Day of Judgment. Allah (S.W.T.) says in Surat Ta’ha, (Verses 124-126), what can be translated as, "But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (the Qur’an) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection. He will say: "O my Lord! Why have you raised me up blind, while I had sight before." Allah will say: " Like this Our Ayat (verses) came unto you but you disregarded them, and so this day, you will be neglected (from Allah’s Mercy.)"
I will try to present briefly the system of the family in Islam so that it will remind us and teach us how to correct our mistakes in our family life. So that our families will be Islamic ones, that please Allah, and we will be happy and successful in this life, and in the Hereafter.
Islam made the family one unit in the chain of units. This family relationship is self-collaborating, mutually coordinating, loving and merciful. These relationships do not know selfishness, oppression or hard feelings. It does not know arrogance, showing off, carelessness or aloofness, nor oppression, physical or emotional.
This view of Islam for the family is coming from the fundamental concepts that Qur'an presented for the family:
First: Qur'an puts in the mind of the spouses, the understand that the male and female are necessary for each other, and that they complement each other in their very existence. So it says to the man: The woman is a vital part of you, and one cannot live without a vital part. It also says to the woman: You came from a man, and he is your origin, and you cannot go on without your origin. The Qur'an says, in Surat Al-A`raf, (Verse 189), what can be translated as, "It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and then He has created from him his wife (Eve).
Second: The Qur'an clarifies that the normal marital life is a life of unity between the spouses. Even though they are two entities, they are in reality one unit in everything; in emotions, feelings, and sleeping place. And they are unified when working for the present and when working for their hope of the future. Allah (S.W.T.) describes the nature of the marital life, in Surat Al-Baqarah, (Verse 187), what can be translated as, "They are Libas (clothes) (i.e. body cover, or screen or sakan), for you, and you are the same from them."
Imam Al-Qurtubi says, in interpreting these words: Wearing is established with clothing, and mingling of two spouses with each other is called clothing because they join together and mingle with each other and stick by each other just like clothes on the body.
Third: Qur'an emphasizes that this special unity between the spouses is one of the great signs of Allah (S.W.T.) and a blessing from his great blessings. Allah (S.W.T.) says in Surat Ar-room, (Verse 21), what can be translated as, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." Imam Ash-Shawkaani, in interpreting this verse, clarifies the nature of this special relationship between the two spouses. He says, "…that you may find rest in them…" means to feel comfortable with and be attracted to. One cannot feel comfortable but with the other and does not get attracted to anyone but to the other. "…And He has put between you mawadah and rahmah." means deep love and mercy because of marriage so that one will feel sympathetic with the other without any previous knowing of each other, or love or mercy between you; indeed a great sign from Allah!
When we look at the situation of the Muslims today, we can find many problems that affect their family life. This situation is a very dangerous problem that may lead to destruction of the Muslim family.
The dangerous results of that destruction will not only affect the spouses, but will affect the whole family and the community in general. This could mean the destruction of society and the failure to transmit Islam to the next generation.
And we can attribute this problem to many causes. These are the most important:
First: Ignorance of many Muslims of what the Muslim family should be according to the Islamic Laws.
Second: The influence of desires, selfishness, and un-Islamic customs and traditions over the behaviors of the members of the family.
Third: Many Muslims don’t care and don’t take this issue seriously until they reach to the point of divorce, or close to it.
Imam Al-Ghazali, was a specialist in treatment of bad conducts, and he came to a conclusion, after long research and experience, that the treatment of all misbehavior among the people will not come only by wishes, but by the use of medicine formed from two ingredients. The first one is knowledge and the second is the implementation of that knowledge. If either of these two are missing, this problem will not be cured. He also added that because the taste of most medicines is sour, the people don’t use it. Or if they use it, they will not complete the dosage. And who does not have enough patience to use the sour medicine, he will not reach the sweetness of the cure.
Today, we will start learning about the family in Islam:
Family is a small unit that consists of the husband and the wife, along with any children they may have. The husband and the wife are the fundamental unit of the family, and they play an important part in building, organizing and taking care of the family from the beginning to the end.
The society is made up of groups of families. So the families are the units of which the society consists. If these units are healthy and strong, the society will be healthy and strong. If these units are sick and weak, the society will be sick and weak.
From this we can understand the great interest and concern that Islam has in the family. That interest is genuine, unlike that which is represented by people running for office. During the voting seasons they use slogans and raise banners in political campaigns about the family for their own benefit. But later, when it is time to put that family issue into reality, all this interest is gone. We know many examples of this practice today.
The interest of Islam in the family is evident in the meticulous, comprehensive, system that runs the affairs of the family. This system starts even before the family is established through marriage, and continues after marriage. It clarifies all the diving rules and guidelines that clearly map out the rights, duties, and responsibilities of every individual in the family (parents and children).
When we say that the rules and guidelines are divine, we should understand the following:
1- The source is the divine revelation: Qur'an and the authentic Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammed (S.A.W.).
2- These divine rules are the correct and can not be false or have mistakes.
3- These divine rules are for all people and address all their needs.
4- They are fixed and cannot be changed or altered because of time and place.
Submitting to these rules and guidelines is obligatory without any hesitation even if they contradict with people's desires, minds or customs and traditions.
Not submitting to these rules and regulations and not implementing them is haram or forbidden. This rejection of Allah's laws, even part of them, leads to misguidance, sorrow, hardship in this life, and regret, loss and punishment on the Day of Judgment. Allah (S.W.T.) says in Surat Ta’ha, (Verses 124-126), what can be translated as, "But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (the Qur’an) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection. He will say: "O my Lord! Why have you raised me up blind, while I had sight before." Allah will say: " Like this Our Ayat (verses) came unto you but you disregarded them, and so this day, you will be neglected (from Allah’s Mercy.)"
I will try to present briefly the system of the family in Islam so that it will remind us and teach us how to correct our mistakes in our family life. So that our families will be Islamic ones, that please Allah, and we will be happy and successful in this life, and in the Hereafter.
Islam made the family one unit in the chain of units. This family relationship is self-collaborating, mutually coordinating, loving and merciful. These relationships do not know selfishness, oppression or hard feelings. It does not know arrogance, showing off, carelessness or aloofness, nor oppression, physical or emotional.
This view of Islam for the family is coming from the fundamental concepts that Qur'an presented for the family:
First: Qur'an puts in the mind of the spouses, the understand that the male and female are necessary for each other, and that they complement each other in their very existence. So it says to the man: The woman is a vital part of you, and one cannot live without a vital part. It also says to the woman: You came from a man, and he is your origin, and you cannot go on without your origin. The Qur'an says, in Surat Al-A`raf, (Verse 189), what can be translated as, "It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and then He has created from him his wife (Eve).
Second: The Qur'an clarifies that the normal marital life is a life of unity between the spouses. Even though they are two entities, they are in reality one unit in everything; in emotions, feelings, and sleeping place. And they are unified when working for the present and when working for their hope of the future. Allah (S.W.T.) describes the nature of the marital life, in Surat Al-Baqarah, (Verse 187), what can be translated as, "They are Libas (clothes) (i.e. body cover, or screen or sakan), for you, and you are the same from them."
Imam Al-Qurtubi says, in interpreting these words: Wearing is established with clothing, and mingling of two spouses with each other is called clothing because they join together and mingle with each other and stick by each other just like clothes on the body.
Third: Qur'an emphasizes that this special unity between the spouses is one of the great signs of Allah (S.W.T.) and a blessing from his great blessings. Allah (S.W.T.) says in Surat Ar-room, (Verse 21), what can be translated as, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." Imam Ash-Shawkaani, in interpreting this verse, clarifies the nature of this special relationship between the two spouses. He says, "…that you may find rest in them…" means to feel comfortable with and be attracted to. One cannot feel comfortable but with the other and does not get attracted to anyone but to the other. "…And He has put between you mawadah and rahmah." means deep love and mercy because of marriage so that one will feel sympathetic with the other without any previous knowing of each other, or love or mercy between you; indeed a great sign from Allah!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Effective Islamic Parenting
Effective Islamic Parenting
The Soul of your child is like an uncut precious jewel entrusted into your care by Allah. To you is given the awesome responsibility of shaping that precious jewel into a beautiful form, pleasing to the eye of Allah. It is your sacred duty to ensure your child grows up to be a good and right human being (Muslim). The oneness (tawhid) of Allah is also expressed in the unity of Islamic life. Raising your children to be good and right human beings is part of the necessary Islamization of world society. The simple fact is that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to raise your children to be truly good and right human beings in the world as it is at present.
Only in a fully Islamic world will the conditions exist where children will naturally develop into the good and right humans beings desired by Allah. That is the beautiful future we can offer our children, but to do this we must do battle with the influences of the present wrong world as we create that promised future for our children. We do this by learning the knowledge and skills it takes to be an effective Islamic parent, and developing in our hearts the unstoppable desire to put these skills and knowledge into practice in our everyday life as we aid our children in their development.
We are greatly blessed by Allah to be Muslims at this particular time in world history. The unique social and historical conditions, combined with new the knowledge and technology now available, make it not only possible but highly likely that within a generation or so we will live in that long unfulfilled dream of all Muslims, a truly Islamic world.
These unique conditions existing today are: the fact that the prevailing dominant world culture, the Western culture, is undergoing a widespread social collapse due to the inherent wrongness within its belief systems and behaviours; that the conclusions of modern science have finally reached a point where one must acknowledge science now supports the traditional beliefs in God and His works; that we have recently come to understand the laws of learning by which all human characteristics are developed; and, that we now have a worldwide communication network so effective that any important new idea could reach virtually every person in the world within days.
The result of these existing conditions is that: those suffering from the collapse of the Western way of life and thought are desperate for some solution to their distress and will see in Islam that much needed answer; atheism and secular materialism will lose their power to take the faith in Islam from our youth; through the spread of the knowledge of learning theory each new generation will come closer to the perfect expression of Islam in the physical existence; and, through the right use of communication technology a unified ummah of 1.2 billion Muslims will be able to effectively offer the traditional scholarship and knowledge of Islam to all the people of the world.
In the coming years there will occur many new opportunities for all Muslims to take an active role in the creation of this truly and fully Islamic world of the future. As a most important beginning to this momentous task it is necessary for every Muslim parent to learn and practice the techniques of effective Islamic parenting. The path to effective Islamic parenting consists of two parts, necessarily inseparable. They are an objective, accurate and positive worldview, combined with a good understanding of the laws of learning by which all human characteristics develop. This is necessary because the laws of learning are much too powerful to be used without a clear positive direction in which to influence the child's development. Islam most certainly provides this clear, correct and positive direction, as Allah would never mislead us.
All laws in this physical universe belong to Allah, and the laws of learning, to the degree we correctly understand them, by which all human development takes place are created by Allah just as are the laws of physics which hold the moon, sun, and stars in place. These laws of learning provide the most powerful tool for directing the development of the individual or any social group that has ever existed. For a Muslim to be a truly effective Islamic parent it is necessary to understand Allah's laws of learning.
Just as Allah has made our religion easy for us, Allah has made the laws of learning easy for us to understand and use. Actually, these laws of learning in their entirety can be quite complex, and to fully comprehend these laws and understand their widest application can take many years of study. Nevertheless, all thanks to His Mercy, Allah has allowed anyone hearing a brief and simple explanation of these laws of learning to be able to use most of their incredible power. This easily understood knowledge of the laws of learning is more than enough to enable a parent to raise their child as a good and right human being.
It is important that knowledge of these laws of learning and their use should never be seen as somehow separate from the unity of Islamic life. To be most effective in helping you raise your children, these laws of learning are not to be 'applied' like some mechanical tool, but they must be incorporated deeply into the innermost reaches of your consciousness until they become a natural part of your unique style of interpersonal communication and interaction with your child.
In order to keep this explanation of the laws of learning both brief and simple it will be presented as a successive series of individual points, but made specific for use in effective Islamic parenting:
GENERAL LAWS OF DEVELOPMENT
1.
Most basic premise - That any person or social group who possesses both a positive and accurate world view and an understanding of the laws of learning will move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.
2.
An infant child comes into the world perfectly good and only becomes other than perfectly good while growing into adulthood due to the influences upon him/her during their years of development.
3.
Human society is obviously not perfectly good at this point in history, in fact our world society has become so bad that some philosophers have made the claim that human nature is basically evil.
4.
The reason so much evil exists in today's world is not because human nature is basically evil, but because the influences we naturally encounter as physical beings in a material world tend most often to direct our development away from Allah.
5.
The influences upon us come from three sources in our environment, the physical, the social(any influence coming either directly or indirectly from other people), and from inner speech(the influence of our own thoughts and feelings).
6.
Every influence upon a us will have some effect greater than zero; and, while most of these will be very small, some can be so powerful as to be life changing.
7.
The overall impact upon our development of any single influence from any of these three sources can be either negative or positive.
8.
Every individual is subjected to many thousands of influences every day, some of these influences being directed toward evil and some being directed toward Allah.
9.
To overcome the influence of evil (movement toward the material) and move toward Allah (the spiritual) takes consistent and concentrated effort.
10.
If we do not recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we will go whichever way the influences take us, thereby too often moving away from Allah and toward evil.
11.
If we can recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we can use the laws of learning to limit the affect of the negative influences upon us and to increase the affect of the positive influences upon us, thereby moving continuously away from evil and moving toward Allah.
12.
When we see an influence upon us that we know would push us away from Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can take away the power of that negative influence.
13.
When we see an influence upon us that we know would help us move toward Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can add greatly to the power of that positive influence.
14.
As we learn to recognize all the influences upon us from the inner and outer realms of the environment, when we learn to correctly identify those influences as being either negative or positive upon our development, and when we learn to use our inner speech to say the correct things after each one of those negative or positive influences (which will reduce the power of the negative and increase the power of the positive), then we will begin naturally and inevitably to move away from all that is wrong and harmful, and we will begin to move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.
15.
An individual who does these things cannot fail to become a good and right human being; and, a society that does these things cannot fail to become a good and right society.
GENERAL LAWS OF LEARNING
1.
Basically, all laws of learning involve what is commonly called reward and punishment.
2.
Any behaviour that is followed by reward (reinforcement) will tend to increase in the future.
3.
There are two classes of reward: when something that is desired is given after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, if you were to smile at your child after he/she says something nice); and, when something that is disliked is removed after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, when your feeling of shame for some wrong you have done is removed by offering sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness from Allah).
4.
Any behaviour that is followed by punishment will tend to decrease in the future.
5.
There are two classes of punishment: when something that is disliked occurs after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if you were to hit your child after he/she says something rude); and, when something that is liked is removed after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if your child is not allowed to continue playing after hitting a playmate).
6.
Punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent's goal.
7.
The undesirable side effects of punishment are: the child will sometimes try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation; the child will sometimes have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her; and, punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present.
8.
The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (meaning to let your child do anything they want), if there is anything more harmful to the child's development than punishment it is permissiveness.
9.
The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called directed positive influence.
10.
Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, attention or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong.
11.
The younger you start using directed positive influence with your child the easier it will be for you and the more effective it will be in helping your child develop into a good and right human being.
12.
To provide effective Islamic parenting you must understand the concept of 'shaping'.
13.
Shaping is the consistent rewarding of successive small steps toward any desired goal for your child.
14.
With the shaping process correctly and consistently in effect there is no positive goal that cannot be achieved.
15.
Set every goal at perfection, being rewarding of successful steps along that unending path but never punishing the non-arrival at that perfect goal.
16.
The beginning steps in the shaping process should be kept small so they are easily accomplished successfully.
17.
If during the shaping process you make any step so large that it cannot be accomplished then the progress toward the desired goal will come to a stop, and often revert back to a much less desired level.
18.
Lots of reward should be given at the beginning of the shaping process and then should be gradually reduced in the later stages.
19.
If reward is given after every behaviour in the shaping process this is called 'continuous reinforcement'.
20.
Continuous reinforcement is very good for getting progress toward some desired goal underway.
21.
The problem with continuous reinforcement is that the behaviour can become too dependent on the reward, and could stop quickly if the reward stops.
22.
If reward is given not after every behaviour in the shaping process but after only some behaviours this is called 'variable reinforcement'.
23.
Variable reinforcement is a good way to maintain progress toward a desired goal without the behaviour becoming too dependent on the reward, so that your child does not always expect to be rewarded for their right behaviour.
24.
To make the shaping process most effective you should teach your child how to reward their successful progress with inner speech, their own thoughts and feelings, so reward from others is no longer necessary to maintain good and right behaviour.
25.
It is good to always discuss your goals for your child with him/her so that you are consciously working together to achieve goals you both desire.
26.
It will help your child greatly in their development if you can teach him/her the specifics of the laws of learning that you are using to help them become good and right human beings.
27.
For most effective parenting everyone in the family group should be made aware of and helped to understand these laws of learning, should try to relate to each other on the basis of these laws of learning, and should share, appreciate and work together to achieve the desired goals.
SPECIFICS OF EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING
1.
For Islamic parenting to be most effective there must be a truly Islamic society, so part of your responsibility as Muslim parents is to help recreate a right Islamic world.
2.
Parental love for their children is a Mercy from Allah, not only in humans but even in animals.
3.
In Islam the love of a parent for their child is so taken for granted that it is not even thought necessary to state this as a requirement for parents.
4.
In Islam the main responsibility the parent has to their child is to provide for their education (this is to be understood in the broadest possible sense, including all things that assist the child to become a good and right human being).
5.
The Qur'an also places great responsibility on the child in regard to their parents, requiring the child to be kind to the parents, to help their parents in their old age, to never speak to their parents with contempt, to never reject their parents, to honour their parents, and to fulfil all these responsibilities with humility.
6.
Every child should be taught from their earliest years about their responsibility as a vicegerent(khalifah) of Allah; that it is their duty as vicegerent to transform themselves into Muslims living in true submission to the Will of Allah, that it is their duty to transform all of human society into an Islamic society living in true submission to the Will of Allah, and that it their duty to transform the physical world of space and time into a garden paradise for Allah.
7.
Raise your child to be a courageous Muslim, willing to struggle against evil in the greater and lesser jihad, as this will be necessary to create a right Islamic world for the future.
8.
Raise your child to fully believe they will successfully create and live in a truly Islamic world, because belief is critical to successfully achieving any goal.
9.
Anything that you believe will happen is more likely to happen because you will find ways (both consciously and unconsciously) to make sure it happens, and anything that you don't believe will happen is less likely to happen because you will find ways to make sure it doesn't happen; this fact is known as the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'.
10.
The parent should never let their love for their child prevent them from doing what is right for their child (for example neglecting to correct the child when he/she does wrong).
11.
If there is a conflict of interests, the requirements of Islam have priority over the desires of the child (for example, if the child would rather play than pray).
12.
Teach your child to love Allah, The Prophet, Islam, and Islamic values.
13.
Teach your child to see all things and understand all things from the perspective of Islam.
14.
In Islam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to a certain hierarchy: first, explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong; second, if the gentle instruction does not result in the child correcting that wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times); and third, only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct the wrong behaviour.
15.
In Islam if it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations: you may not hit your child on the face or stomach, you may not hit your child more than a maximum of three times, and you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin.
16.
You should never hit your child when you are angry, not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.
17.
It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary.
18.
It is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child.
19.
Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once hit a child, a woman or a servant.
20.
Do not argue with your child, as there is almost never any benefit in doing so.
21.
Although your child might well choose to pray at a younger age, at seven years of age your child should be required to pray through gentle encouragement; and, at ten years of age your child can be beaten for not praying, although this circumstance should never arise with correct Islamic parenting.
22.
Your child should be taught to memorize the Qur'an, the benefits are many and much wider in scope than is often believed in these modern times.
23.
At every age there must be appropriate rights given to your child and necessary limits set upon your child's behaviour, which will allow your child to fully explore their human potential while not causing harm to themselves, harm to others or damage to their surroundings.
24.
If you see your child doing something wrong it is usually not even necessary to mention the thing that is wrong, instead, it is often sufficient (and always more desirable) only to say how much you like the right thing which is the opposite of the wrong being done.
25.
You should not expose your child's failings or wrongdoings in front of others, if this must be done it is best if it be done privately.
26.
Don't give much attention to the bad or wrong things your child does and says, but give lots of attention to the good or right things your child does and says.
27.
You should, of course, always love your child unconditionally, but you should only express that love at times which are most beneficial to your child.
28.
You should at all times be a model of a good and right human being (Muslim) for your child.
bismillaahir rahmaanir rahiim EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING (Read each morning!!!)
1.
I am raising my child to be a successful vicegerent (khalifah) of Allah, who will help create a truly Islamic World.
2.
Today I will try my best to know and understand all the influences upon my child's development.
3.
Today I will try my best to help my child understand the power of negative influences to take him/her away from Allah, and the power of positive influences to take him/her to Allah.
4.
Today I will try my best to shield my child from the power of the negative influences to take him/her away from Allah.
5.
Today I will try my best to enhance (increase) the power of the positive influences upon my child to take him/her toward llah.
6.
Today I will try my best to notice some positive things my child does or says, and tell him/her how much those things are appreciated by me and by Allah.
7.
Today I will try my best to say nothing negative to my child. Even if I have to correct my child's wrong behaviour I will try my best to find some positive way to do so.
8.
Today I will love my child unconditionally, but I will try my best to express that love at times which are most beneficial to my child.
9.
Today I will try my best to be an example of a good and right human being (Muslim) for my child.
10.
Today I will pray for Allah's help that I can be a good parent for my child.
The Soul of your child is like an uncut precious jewel entrusted into your care by Allah. To you is given the awesome responsibility of shaping that precious jewel into a beautiful form, pleasing to the eye of Allah. It is your sacred duty to ensure your child grows up to be a good and right human being (Muslim). The oneness (tawhid) of Allah is also expressed in the unity of Islamic life. Raising your children to be good and right human beings is part of the necessary Islamization of world society. The simple fact is that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to raise your children to be truly good and right human beings in the world as it is at present.
Only in a fully Islamic world will the conditions exist where children will naturally develop into the good and right humans beings desired by Allah. That is the beautiful future we can offer our children, but to do this we must do battle with the influences of the present wrong world as we create that promised future for our children. We do this by learning the knowledge and skills it takes to be an effective Islamic parent, and developing in our hearts the unstoppable desire to put these skills and knowledge into practice in our everyday life as we aid our children in their development.
We are greatly blessed by Allah to be Muslims at this particular time in world history. The unique social and historical conditions, combined with new the knowledge and technology now available, make it not only possible but highly likely that within a generation or so we will live in that long unfulfilled dream of all Muslims, a truly Islamic world.
These unique conditions existing today are: the fact that the prevailing dominant world culture, the Western culture, is undergoing a widespread social collapse due to the inherent wrongness within its belief systems and behaviours; that the conclusions of modern science have finally reached a point where one must acknowledge science now supports the traditional beliefs in God and His works; that we have recently come to understand the laws of learning by which all human characteristics are developed; and, that we now have a worldwide communication network so effective that any important new idea could reach virtually every person in the world within days.
The result of these existing conditions is that: those suffering from the collapse of the Western way of life and thought are desperate for some solution to their distress and will see in Islam that much needed answer; atheism and secular materialism will lose their power to take the faith in Islam from our youth; through the spread of the knowledge of learning theory each new generation will come closer to the perfect expression of Islam in the physical existence; and, through the right use of communication technology a unified ummah of 1.2 billion Muslims will be able to effectively offer the traditional scholarship and knowledge of Islam to all the people of the world.
In the coming years there will occur many new opportunities for all Muslims to take an active role in the creation of this truly and fully Islamic world of the future. As a most important beginning to this momentous task it is necessary for every Muslim parent to learn and practice the techniques of effective Islamic parenting. The path to effective Islamic parenting consists of two parts, necessarily inseparable. They are an objective, accurate and positive worldview, combined with a good understanding of the laws of learning by which all human characteristics develop. This is necessary because the laws of learning are much too powerful to be used without a clear positive direction in which to influence the child's development. Islam most certainly provides this clear, correct and positive direction, as Allah would never mislead us.
All laws in this physical universe belong to Allah, and the laws of learning, to the degree we correctly understand them, by which all human development takes place are created by Allah just as are the laws of physics which hold the moon, sun, and stars in place. These laws of learning provide the most powerful tool for directing the development of the individual or any social group that has ever existed. For a Muslim to be a truly effective Islamic parent it is necessary to understand Allah's laws of learning.
Just as Allah has made our religion easy for us, Allah has made the laws of learning easy for us to understand and use. Actually, these laws of learning in their entirety can be quite complex, and to fully comprehend these laws and understand their widest application can take many years of study. Nevertheless, all thanks to His Mercy, Allah has allowed anyone hearing a brief and simple explanation of these laws of learning to be able to use most of their incredible power. This easily understood knowledge of the laws of learning is more than enough to enable a parent to raise their child as a good and right human being.
It is important that knowledge of these laws of learning and their use should never be seen as somehow separate from the unity of Islamic life. To be most effective in helping you raise your children, these laws of learning are not to be 'applied' like some mechanical tool, but they must be incorporated deeply into the innermost reaches of your consciousness until they become a natural part of your unique style of interpersonal communication and interaction with your child.
In order to keep this explanation of the laws of learning both brief and simple it will be presented as a successive series of individual points, but made specific for use in effective Islamic parenting:
GENERAL LAWS OF DEVELOPMENT
1.
Most basic premise - That any person or social group who possesses both a positive and accurate world view and an understanding of the laws of learning will move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.
2.
An infant child comes into the world perfectly good and only becomes other than perfectly good while growing into adulthood due to the influences upon him/her during their years of development.
3.
Human society is obviously not perfectly good at this point in history, in fact our world society has become so bad that some philosophers have made the claim that human nature is basically evil.
4.
The reason so much evil exists in today's world is not because human nature is basically evil, but because the influences we naturally encounter as physical beings in a material world tend most often to direct our development away from Allah.
5.
The influences upon us come from three sources in our environment, the physical, the social(any influence coming either directly or indirectly from other people), and from inner speech(the influence of our own thoughts and feelings).
6.
Every influence upon a us will have some effect greater than zero; and, while most of these will be very small, some can be so powerful as to be life changing.
7.
The overall impact upon our development of any single influence from any of these three sources can be either negative or positive.
8.
Every individual is subjected to many thousands of influences every day, some of these influences being directed toward evil and some being directed toward Allah.
9.
To overcome the influence of evil (movement toward the material) and move toward Allah (the spiritual) takes consistent and concentrated effort.
10.
If we do not recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we will go whichever way the influences take us, thereby too often moving away from Allah and toward evil.
11.
If we can recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we can use the laws of learning to limit the affect of the negative influences upon us and to increase the affect of the positive influences upon us, thereby moving continuously away from evil and moving toward Allah.
12.
When we see an influence upon us that we know would push us away from Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can take away the power of that negative influence.
13.
When we see an influence upon us that we know would help us move toward Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can add greatly to the power of that positive influence.
14.
As we learn to recognize all the influences upon us from the inner and outer realms of the environment, when we learn to correctly identify those influences as being either negative or positive upon our development, and when we learn to use our inner speech to say the correct things after each one of those negative or positive influences (which will reduce the power of the negative and increase the power of the positive), then we will begin naturally and inevitably to move away from all that is wrong and harmful, and we will begin to move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.
15.
An individual who does these things cannot fail to become a good and right human being; and, a society that does these things cannot fail to become a good and right society.
GENERAL LAWS OF LEARNING
1.
Basically, all laws of learning involve what is commonly called reward and punishment.
2.
Any behaviour that is followed by reward (reinforcement) will tend to increase in the future.
3.
There are two classes of reward: when something that is desired is given after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, if you were to smile at your child after he/she says something nice); and, when something that is disliked is removed after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, when your feeling of shame for some wrong you have done is removed by offering sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness from Allah).
4.
Any behaviour that is followed by punishment will tend to decrease in the future.
5.
There are two classes of punishment: when something that is disliked occurs after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if you were to hit your child after he/she says something rude); and, when something that is liked is removed after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if your child is not allowed to continue playing after hitting a playmate).
6.
Punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent's goal.
7.
The undesirable side effects of punishment are: the child will sometimes try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation; the child will sometimes have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her; and, punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present.
8.
The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (meaning to let your child do anything they want), if there is anything more harmful to the child's development than punishment it is permissiveness.
9.
The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called directed positive influence.
10.
Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, attention or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong.
11.
The younger you start using directed positive influence with your child the easier it will be for you and the more effective it will be in helping your child develop into a good and right human being.
12.
To provide effective Islamic parenting you must understand the concept of 'shaping'.
13.
Shaping is the consistent rewarding of successive small steps toward any desired goal for your child.
14.
With the shaping process correctly and consistently in effect there is no positive goal that cannot be achieved.
15.
Set every goal at perfection, being rewarding of successful steps along that unending path but never punishing the non-arrival at that perfect goal.
16.
The beginning steps in the shaping process should be kept small so they are easily accomplished successfully.
17.
If during the shaping process you make any step so large that it cannot be accomplished then the progress toward the desired goal will come to a stop, and often revert back to a much less desired level.
18.
Lots of reward should be given at the beginning of the shaping process and then should be gradually reduced in the later stages.
19.
If reward is given after every behaviour in the shaping process this is called 'continuous reinforcement'.
20.
Continuous reinforcement is very good for getting progress toward some desired goal underway.
21.
The problem with continuous reinforcement is that the behaviour can become too dependent on the reward, and could stop quickly if the reward stops.
22.
If reward is given not after every behaviour in the shaping process but after only some behaviours this is called 'variable reinforcement'.
23.
Variable reinforcement is a good way to maintain progress toward a desired goal without the behaviour becoming too dependent on the reward, so that your child does not always expect to be rewarded for their right behaviour.
24.
To make the shaping process most effective you should teach your child how to reward their successful progress with inner speech, their own thoughts and feelings, so reward from others is no longer necessary to maintain good and right behaviour.
25.
It is good to always discuss your goals for your child with him/her so that you are consciously working together to achieve goals you both desire.
26.
It will help your child greatly in their development if you can teach him/her the specifics of the laws of learning that you are using to help them become good and right human beings.
27.
For most effective parenting everyone in the family group should be made aware of and helped to understand these laws of learning, should try to relate to each other on the basis of these laws of learning, and should share, appreciate and work together to achieve the desired goals.
SPECIFICS OF EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING
1.
For Islamic parenting to be most effective there must be a truly Islamic society, so part of your responsibility as Muslim parents is to help recreate a right Islamic world.
2.
Parental love for their children is a Mercy from Allah, not only in humans but even in animals.
3.
In Islam the love of a parent for their child is so taken for granted that it is not even thought necessary to state this as a requirement for parents.
4.
In Islam the main responsibility the parent has to their child is to provide for their education (this is to be understood in the broadest possible sense, including all things that assist the child to become a good and right human being).
5.
The Qur'an also places great responsibility on the child in regard to their parents, requiring the child to be kind to the parents, to help their parents in their old age, to never speak to their parents with contempt, to never reject their parents, to honour their parents, and to fulfil all these responsibilities with humility.
6.
Every child should be taught from their earliest years about their responsibility as a vicegerent(khalifah) of Allah; that it is their duty as vicegerent to transform themselves into Muslims living in true submission to the Will of Allah, that it is their duty to transform all of human society into an Islamic society living in true submission to the Will of Allah, and that it their duty to transform the physical world of space and time into a garden paradise for Allah.
7.
Raise your child to be a courageous Muslim, willing to struggle against evil in the greater and lesser jihad, as this will be necessary to create a right Islamic world for the future.
8.
Raise your child to fully believe they will successfully create and live in a truly Islamic world, because belief is critical to successfully achieving any goal.
9.
Anything that you believe will happen is more likely to happen because you will find ways (both consciously and unconsciously) to make sure it happens, and anything that you don't believe will happen is less likely to happen because you will find ways to make sure it doesn't happen; this fact is known as the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'.
10.
The parent should never let their love for their child prevent them from doing what is right for their child (for example neglecting to correct the child when he/she does wrong).
11.
If there is a conflict of interests, the requirements of Islam have priority over the desires of the child (for example, if the child would rather play than pray).
12.
Teach your child to love Allah, The Prophet, Islam, and Islamic values.
13.
Teach your child to see all things and understand all things from the perspective of Islam.
14.
In Islam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to a certain hierarchy: first, explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong; second, if the gentle instruction does not result in the child correcting that wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times); and third, only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct the wrong behaviour.
15.
In Islam if it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations: you may not hit your child on the face or stomach, you may not hit your child more than a maximum of three times, and you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin.
16.
You should never hit your child when you are angry, not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.
17.
It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary.
18.
It is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child.
19.
Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once hit a child, a woman or a servant.
20.
Do not argue with your child, as there is almost never any benefit in doing so.
21.
Although your child might well choose to pray at a younger age, at seven years of age your child should be required to pray through gentle encouragement; and, at ten years of age your child can be beaten for not praying, although this circumstance should never arise with correct Islamic parenting.
22.
Your child should be taught to memorize the Qur'an, the benefits are many and much wider in scope than is often believed in these modern times.
23.
At every age there must be appropriate rights given to your child and necessary limits set upon your child's behaviour, which will allow your child to fully explore their human potential while not causing harm to themselves, harm to others or damage to their surroundings.
24.
If you see your child doing something wrong it is usually not even necessary to mention the thing that is wrong, instead, it is often sufficient (and always more desirable) only to say how much you like the right thing which is the opposite of the wrong being done.
25.
You should not expose your child's failings or wrongdoings in front of others, if this must be done it is best if it be done privately.
26.
Don't give much attention to the bad or wrong things your child does and says, but give lots of attention to the good or right things your child does and says.
27.
You should, of course, always love your child unconditionally, but you should only express that love at times which are most beneficial to your child.
28.
You should at all times be a model of a good and right human being (Muslim) for your child.
bismillaahir rahmaanir rahiim EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING (Read each morning!!!)
1.
I am raising my child to be a successful vicegerent (khalifah) of Allah, who will help create a truly Islamic World.
2.
Today I will try my best to know and understand all the influences upon my child's development.
3.
Today I will try my best to help my child understand the power of negative influences to take him/her away from Allah, and the power of positive influences to take him/her to Allah.
4.
Today I will try my best to shield my child from the power of the negative influences to take him/her away from Allah.
5.
Today I will try my best to enhance (increase) the power of the positive influences upon my child to take him/her toward llah.
6.
Today I will try my best to notice some positive things my child does or says, and tell him/her how much those things are appreciated by me and by Allah.
7.
Today I will try my best to say nothing negative to my child. Even if I have to correct my child's wrong behaviour I will try my best to find some positive way to do so.
8.
Today I will love my child unconditionally, but I will try my best to express that love at times which are most beneficial to my child.
9.
Today I will try my best to be an example of a good and right human being (Muslim) for my child.
10.
Today I will pray for Allah's help that I can be a good parent for my child.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)