Darul Hadith Parenting: CCAC Family Management and Perenting 8

Lesson: Eight

Learning Outcome

By the end of this session, the student will be able to:

1. Realize and identify the responsibilities and amanah of managing a functional family in Islam.

2. examine and identify the different types of problems and challenges found in family management

3. Develop and suggest solutions and functional skills necessary in managing these challenges and problems effectively.

4. Practice the managing skills in their future home successfully.

Main Topics/Issues/ Points

1. General overview of family management

2. Problems & Challenges in Family Management:

· Adjustment with Changing Needs of Family.

· Working Parents

· Single Parents.

· Polygamy

· Divorce

· Social Ills.

· Parents in Catering Children with Special Needs.

· Financial Constraints

· Effect of Globalization – Internet; Media; 3Fs; Food, Fashion

& Fun; Technology.

* Issues of Foreign Maids

3. General Discussion with respect to solutions to these problems

Discussions: Main Ideas

Overview : Family Management

Family is an institution which requires the mutual cooperation and understanding each others roles and responsibilities of all family members in order to achieve success and tranquility of the heart and soul. In this process, parents will be encountering numerous obstacles and problems which need to be solved and overcome intelligently without hurting anyone in this problem solving process. This unit will highlight numerous issues related to family management and concurrently discussions will be hold in class for practical solutions to these problems or issues.

Roles and Responsibilities of Family in Islam

v Provide emotional support ( love, mercy and compassion) and sustenance among family members

v To administer effective and good parenting skills in family daily life

v Parents set themselves as good role models, motivators, guide and child’s companion

v To provide the best spiritual and worldly education for children

v Consistent monitoring of children’s ibadah, akhlaq and adab in their daily lives.

v Facilitate children’s mastering of pro-social behavior

Problems and Challenges in Family Management

• Husband and Wife Relationship.

• Child Upbringing

• Roles of Extended Family in Raising Children

• Parenting Skills and Knowledge

• Social Ills

• Effective Communication

• Financial Management

• Time Management.

• Interference of Third Parties

• Internalization of Religious Knowledge (‘ilm) and Practice (amal)

Discussions: Main Ideas

Adjustment With Changing Needs of Family

Introduction

Family life is full of challenges and trials. A family unit is not simply set up based on lust solely. Each family unit is accompanied by a lot of responsibilities and has to make a lot of adjustment based on urgency and situational factors. The following are several types of adjustments that family units need to accomplish and deal with in coping with the ever changing needs of families. The following are the different types of adjustment that each family unit may experience:

Types of Adjustments:

v Family expectations and relationships adjustments for newly weds

v Career adjustment

v Pregnancy and Physical Adjustment (mother-to-be)

v New Born arrival and parental adjustment

v Emotional and psychological adjustment

v Socio-Cognitive adjustment

v Spiritual Adjustment

v Financial Adjustment

v Children entering the stage of adolescents – Storm & stress period

v Husband and wife relationships in the forties

v Ageing period and terminal illness

Working Parents

Introduction:

Discussion will focus on the nature of career man and woman in the 21^st century, multiple roles and problems related to working parents and how these roles and problems impacted the family unit.

Roles of Husband in the 21^st century

v Breadwinner

v Career

v Father Figure

v Family Psychological Needs

Roles of Wife in the 21^st Century:

v Career women with married status

v Career women with unmarried status

v Complete Homemaker

v Career women with single parent status by choice

Multiple Roles of Career and Married Women:

v Homemaker

v Mother

v Wife

v Career

Impacts of Career Women on Family Units: Positive Impacts

The impact of career on families has its strengths and weaknesses. The following are the positive effects of career on families

v Trains child to be independent and enhances cognitive maturity

v Reduce financial constraints in family

v Sharing and shouldering of parenting responsibilities between

spouses

v Strenthening of spousel relationships

v Effective time management skills by working mothers

v Quality Time and Affordable Child Care Program

v Provision of conducive home environment for child upbringing

v Effective Communication

Impacts of Career Women on Family Units: Negative Impacts

· Child neglected

· Strained spousel relationships

· Breakdown in family communication

· Bad parenting style

· Bad time management

· Separation and Divorce

Background:

In the past, father figure has been perceived as the sole breadwinner for the family. However, as time evolved with the advanced of high technology and advanced in education, the country has moved progressively towards Knowledge-based Economy. Hence, employment rate increased in three folds in that it requires the participation of both men and women in the labor force. However, the nurturing role of mother has changed and woman has to juggle multiple roles. This scenario has constructive and as well as devastating effects on family. The impacts can be seen in the following manner and situation:

Positive Effects f Working Parents on Family Unit:

1. Raised Independent Children

2. Stable Family Foundation - shelter, food, health, transportation etc

3. Better Economic Foundation for Family

4. Moral Support and Dual Responsibilities in Child Rearing

5. Better Learning Facilities for Family

6. Provide Good Education for Children

Negative Effects of Working Parents on Family Unit:

1. Bad Time Management

2. Lacked Quality Time for Child Upbringing

3. Strain in Family Relationships

4. Lack Understanding of Parental Responsibilities and Roles

5. Underestimate the importance of closeness with family

members and time sharing

6. Mother may fail to juggle her roles effectively

7. Tiredness - fail to extend moral support to spouses

8. The danger of assumption making.

9. Denying the rights of spouse to share opinion and decision

making

Single Parents

Definition:

v A single parent is a parent with one or more children, who is not living with the children’s other parent.

v The legal definition of single parenthood may vary according to local laws, nations, provinces and creed.

v Single parenthood – occur as a result of loss (death, separation, divorce, abandonment by one parent), or by choice (single parent via adoption, donor insemination, egg donor, surrogate motherhood, to complete an unexpected pregnancy & raise the child on her own)

Demographic Data / Current Situation:

v More than 25% of children in the USA live with only one parent (U.S. Bureau of Census, 1997)

v In Australia, 14% of All Australian households – single families

v Since 2001, 31% of babies in Australia were given birth out of wedlock

v Since 2004, United Kingdom displayed 28% of the British families with children were single parents

v 40% of families with children in surburbs of London are single parent families

Factors that Support Children’s Progress in Single Parent’s Home:

v The parent’s Age

v Parent’s Education Level

v Parent’s Occupation

v Parent’s Income

v Family Support Network – Friends and Extended Family Members

Outcomes From Single Parent Home:

v Single Parenthood by choice has favorable and better outcome as parent is typically older

v Has established employment

v Has better network of social support

v Has considered the pros and cons of raising children alone or independently

Characteristics of Single Parent:

v Single parenthood – very challenging as single parent may miss their partner & wish that they had someone to share the burden & pressure of parenting

v Parent may likely include their child in parent’s daily chores – child sharing equal responsibilities and has to look after himself or herself

v Single parent discuss activities & chores with her child – normal parents (husband and wife) generally discuss among themselves and excluded children from their discussion

v Parent – child adjustment with respect to the child movement between the household of both parents

v Children of Single parent who have considerable family affairs at home have issues in school – they expect to be treated in the same manner by teachers

v Income of single parent is less as opposed to two parents home

v Parenting baby alone – is stressful as babies need 24 hours care, parents need rest, time off, support and someone to talk to

Childhood in a Single Parent Home:

v Children in single parent home fare worse than two parents home

v In the America, family structure contributes to five characteristics of child’s well being –

1. Lower birth rate among infants

2. Higher death rate

3. Number of children aged 15-17 years old in school & having good health is lower in single parent than two parents homes

4. Number of children from single parent families getting pregnant at tender age is increasing (teen pregnancy)

5. children who went through divorce have problems in school namely; depression and emotional stress

6. children are living in poverty due to low income

7. Low income gradually leads to low economic achievement, isolation & loneliness

8. single parent home is associated with crime rate in America – it accounts 72% of teenage murderers, 60% commit rape crimes & eleven times exhibiting violent

9. Low school achievers

10. Unfavorable school environments

Reasons for Such Weaknesses:

v less supervision,

v children’s actions less monitored,

v less communication between parent and child,

v most of the children came from poor families

Single Motherhood:

v have hard time providing for the family

v lower paying jobs

v must contend both financial and child-rearing burdens – working longer hours and see their children less

v children of single parent are more likely to abuse drug at early age and get easily into trouble

v half of the single mothers live in poverty

Islamic View on the Importance of Father Figure:

v Father is an integral part of family

v Children growing up without the stability of two parent home are risky

v The absence of a good role father figure may expose children to the dangers of:

1. drug abuse

2. emotional and health problems

3. low academic achievement

4. stress and anger

Islamic View on Single Parent:

Polygamy

What is Polygamy?

• General definition: Polygamy is defined in many dictionaries as: “Any person (male or female) may unconditionally marry unlimited number spouses at the same time. Available at [www.islamweb.net, 2002]

• Hence, both male or female may marry unlimited number of males or females at the same time – found in other cultures & faiths

Polygamy in Islam:

• Islam allows polygamy in a specified restricted circumstances – a male Muslim may marry other females on condition that there are circumstances that need this kind of arrangements & restricted with clear conditions

• Conditions:

1. financial,

2. physical & emotional ability,

3. equal treatment of the wives,

4. approval of the prospective female to this kind of marriage,

5. the wives are among those who are not prohibited for him to marry either permanently (aunt, daughters) or temporarily (marrying two sisters abreast) & the limited number of wives is four.

Polygamy with Justice

Allah say: “Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

Does Islam Promotes Polygamy?

1. No, polygamy in Islam is only a permission not an injunction

2. For Muslim men to have more than one wife is a permission but not simply to satisfy lust

3. Based on Al Qur’an (Anisaa’: 3)

“And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women, who seem good for you, two, three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or the (captives) that your right hands possess. Thus it is more likely that ye will not do injustice”

Conditions must be noted

Conditions Which Must Be Noted:

• “…if ye fear that ye cannot do justice, then one only… a “freeze” on the above permission …. “

• “ye will not be able to deal equally between your wives, however much ye wish to do so” (Anisaa: 129)

• In summary: the holy Qur’an grants men permission to marry more than one wife, PROVIDED they can deal equally between them and at the same time mentions “we will NOT be able to deal equally no matter how hard we wish to do so”

Islam and its Legal Provision

1. Islam prohibits extra-marital affairs – devastating and damaging – married life is desirable in Islam – Allah wants man and woman to be respected & honored in marriage relationships.

2. Islam & Islamic Laws are for all times (past present & future) relevant for all circumstances and situations

3. In Islam, every Muslim man should have a wife & every Muslim woman should have a husband

When is Polygamy Allowed?

1. In times of wars, there are large number of widows & orphans left without companionship, love, income, care and protection

2. If it is still maintained under these circumstances that a man may marry only one wife, other females may be deprived from having a good family

3. In the battle of Uhud, thousands of Muslim men were killed and leaving widows and orphans

4. In al Qur’an Allah (SWT) says:

“to orphans do not substitute your worthless things for their good ones, & devour not their substance by mixing up withyour own. For this is indeed a great sin. If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then marry only ONE.” (Anisaa: 2-3)

Summary From the Qur’anic Verses:

• Permission is not only associated with mere satisfaction of passion but with compassion toward widows and orphans

• Even in such situation , the permission is far more restricted than the practice that existed before or even now

• Dealing justly with one’s wives is an obligation in Islam - applies to housing, food, kind treatment – the husband has complete obligation towards all of his wives & children without any discrimination

• If one is not sure of being able to deal justly with them, Allah says to marry only ONE wife.

• This practice is far better & honorable than the husband is secretly having a mistresses or involve with a prostitute (adultery)

• This is better than the husband divorces all his ill wives and marry another one.

• The requirement of justice between wives rule out the fantasy that a man can have many wives as he pleases, rules out the concept of “secondary” wife as all wives are entitled to identical rights and claims over their husband

• The Qur’anic verse says “marry” not buy, seduce, select – both parties must consent the marriage – no women shall be forced into marrying a married man – in Islam there is no secret marriage – free choice of both parties

Impact of Malpractice of Polygamy on Family:

• Wives are denied their rights to shelter, property, love and protection etc.

• Women are forced to work extra hours for extra income to support her family

• Children are denied quality care, parental love, attention, good education and monitoring

• Children lack worldly and spiritual education and guidance

• Decline in school performances and school drop out

• Forced child labour

• Communication breakdown between single parent and children.

• Rise in social ills (both by mothers and children)in immoral acts and activities namely; prostitution, addiction, abuse, incest, rape gangsterism, bully and extortion and etc.

• Breakdown of family units and disintegration of unity among the ummah

1. Islam & Islamic Laws are for all times (past present & future) relevant for all circumstances and situations

Divorce

What is Divorce?

Divorce refers to loosening of the marriage tie by clean pronouncement “you are divorced!” or pronounced indirectly namely; “go back to your family!”

l The Prophet said:

l "The most hateful halal (permissible thing) to Allah is divorce". (Abu Da’wud)

l Divorce according to Islamic Law is similar to a painful surgery; the sane human being endures the pains of his wound, even an amputation, in order to protect the remaining parts of the body to keep away greater injury.

l It is totally illogical and unnatural to force, by the power of law, a life partnership on partners who do not feel comfortable with each other and do not trust each other.

l It is worse than life imprisonment and is certainly like the unendurable hell.

l Christianity, though prohibited divorce in its scriptures, and likened the divorce as if leading one’s wife to adultery; finally, after realizing its great unavoidable need, allowed its occurrence through Courts only.

l These courts also allow divorce for very trivial reasons and do not try to interfere with the personal and family life of the people.

How does Islam Perceive Divorce

l Divorce is permissible in Islam in order to raise the harm from one of the two spouses.

l "Divorce is only permissible twice; after that, the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness"

l Divorce is obligatory when sone of the harm follows one of the spouse, by which this harm is not raised but with it.

l Should there be no strong reason for divorce, then Allah (SWT) says "Any woman who ask the divorce from her husband with no harm, then it is prohibited on her the scent of paradise

Can Divorce Be Avoided?

l To make a good choice of a wife, paying more attention to her religion and morals than her money, wealth and beauty.

l Choose a husband of noble character

l "When you get your daughter married, let her marry a man of faith; if he loves her, he will treat her nobly, and if he hates her, he will not be unfair". (said by salaf).

l A woman's approval is a must in marriage. The Prophet dissolved marriage of a woman who was married by force.

l To consider the satisfaction and approval of the woman's guardian as obligatory or preferable.

l To consult mothers. "Ask women about their daughters". For, they know every single detail of their daughters and their choices and preferences.

l It is necessary to live together in marriage through mutual understanding, love and respect for each other.

The Almighty says:

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.,) to what is reasonable. [Surah Baqarah, 2:228]

l To persuade the husband to be realistic so as not to seek perfection in his wife.

l "And live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good". [Surah Nisa, 4:19]

l "No believer should loathe a woman who believes in Allah; if he hates one of her manners, he is satisfied with another". (Muslim and Ahmad)

l أَهْلِهَا إِنْ يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا

l If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: for Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.

l The two parties involved must try to settle their disputes and solve their problems between themselves.

Three Pillars of Divorce

1. The assigned Husband

2. The Wife who is related to the divorce

3. The Term denoting divorce whether it is clear or by metonymy

Types of Divorce:

1. Divorce in Purity

2. Divorce in menses or confinement period / in purity when consummation takes place

3. Irrevocable Divorce

4. Revocable Divorce

5. the Clear Divorce

6. Metonymy Divorce

7. Executed & suspended Divorce

8. Divorce of Choice

9. Divorce by Proxy of Writing

10. Divorce by the Prohibition

11. Forbidden Divorce

Different Concepts of Divorce:

1. KHUL (Women pay husband money to divorce her)

2. ZIHAR (Equating parts of wife’s body to that of own’s mother)

3. LIAN (Cursing)

IDDAH

NAFAQAH

HADANAH / Child Custody

Social Ills

Introduction:

The roles and responsibilities of families in the 21^St century is far too complex and highly demanding. Parents are required to equipped themselves with sound parenting knowledge and understanding of children's biological, spiritual and socio-emotional needs and requirements. These skills are essential in developing positive self-concept, possess high self-esteem, have strong internal locus of control, able to delay gratification among children. These social skills are important in opposing, rejecting and abstaining children from being attracted to social ills and moral decadence. These influences came from peers, mass media and internet. The following discussion will focus on factors affecting advent of moral decadence and collapsed of family units, types of social ills and solutions or remedies:

Types of Social Ills:

· Substance Abuse

· Teen Pregnancy

· Child labor

· Abusive4 Parents

· Bully and Extortation

· Rape and Incest

· Murder

· Adultery

· Prostitution

· Gangsterism

· Sexual promiscuity

Solutions:

· Improve Family relationship

· Peer and Family Counseling

· Parents Shouldering responsibilities and support

· Good Communication Within Family

· Support Group network

· Public Awareness & Education

· Sex education from Islamic perspectives

Evidences from Qur’Én

Parenting Children With Special Needs

Introduction:

Special Education refers to any program which provides children with disabilities as opposed to attending formal classroom learning. The nature of special education has changed over the pass years and it still evolving. Special education is necessary when parents learn that their child has a disability or chronic illness. Parents’ life will be filled with strong emotion, difficult choices, interactions with many different professionals and specialists and an ongoing need for information and services. Parents may feel isolated and lonely and may not know hoe to search for information, assistance, understanding and support. The following are steps that can be taken by parents:

Steps To Be Taken:

· You Are Not Alone!

· Parents Common Reactions (Fear, Anger, denial, grief, guilt, confusion, powerlessness, disappointment, rejection)

· Seek Support Group (Other Parents, Your mate, Family and significant others)

· Reliance on Positive Sources of Your Life

· Take One Step at A Time

· Gather More Information

· Don’t Give Up Hope!

· Don’t Not Be Intimidated

· Express Your Emotion

· Learn to Deal With Your Feelings of Bitterness & Anger

· Maintain Positive Outlook

· Keep in Touch with Reality

· Time is on your side

· Search suitable programs for your child

· Take care of yourself

· Avoid Pity

· Decide How to Deal With Others

· Keep Daily Routine as normal as Possible

· The Child is Yours!!!!

· Recognize that you are not Alone!!!

Financial Constraint

Introduction:

Family survival and maintenance depended much on the family financial standing which comes either from one single parent or parents. In a normal circumstance, a single parent will have difficulties in managing the household what more to raise a child or children. On the contrary, a household which is managed by two parents may reduce the burden of paying the bills and managing the household alone. The following would be the impact of financial constraint on family:

Impacts of Financial Constraint on Family:

1. Stress and Depression

2. Family Living in Poverty

3. Children Under Nourished

4. Children Lacked Good Education

5. Health Problems

6. Loose Family ties

7. Mother Working Longer Hours

8. Social Ills – theft, robbery, crime

Introduction

Evidences from (r)

Impacts of Globalization

Introduction:

The globalization process refers to the process the public mind is exposed to all types of information and cultures posted through the internet. Human being from different continents are getting closer and that enhance better understanding. By globalization we relate to the rapid means by which goods, people and information are transported on a worldwide basis via the use of electronic devices and computerized communication for the dissemination of information, values and beliefs, global culture through the far reaching media. There are some negative and positive effects of globalization on family:

Positive:

· Economical in terms of time and energy and information

· Increased communication between cultures of different geographical areas and ethnic backgrounds

· Children are too expose to internet

· Services catered readily by internet services

Devastating Effects:

· Great influence of the global culture on the local youngsters

· Rise in Social Ills – pre-marital sex, unwed mothers, abandoned children, illegal abortion and AIDS

· Rise in Extra-marital problems for urban married women

· Moral decadence – respect for the elders declining

· Reduction in family size

Issues of Foreign Maids

Issues:

1. Immigration Problems

2. Lacked proper Training as nanny

3. Unskilled and unable to manage household effectively

4. Uneducated and affect child upbringing and language development

5. Communication Breakdown

6. Involvement in Theft and Crime

Selected quotation

· Success is no more than the natural consequence of constantly applying the fundamentals of success to life (Jim Rohn)

· To make progress, you must actually get started (Jim Rohn)

· Better is not something you wish; It is something you become (Jim Rohn)

· Don’t Let Good ideas Escape You (Jim Rohn).

· Don’t Start the Day Until You have It Finished (Jim Rohn)

· Be Happy With What You Have While Pursuing What You Want (Jim Rohn)

· Procrastination is The Thief of Time (Napoleon Hill)

· No Position in Life can be Secure, and No Achievement Can Be Permanent Unless Built Upon Truth and Justice (Napoleon Hill)

· Kindness is More Powerful than Compulsion (Napoleon Hill)

Evidences from Qur’an

Evidences from Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (PBUH)

Marriage brings Allah’s Support

Abu Hurayra (R) reported that the Prophet said “There are three individuals in which Allah confirm his support for them; a Mujahid (fighter for Allah’s cause), a Mukatib (slave who made a contract with his master to earn his freedon), and the one who seeks to preserve his/ her chastity through marriage” [Ahmed/ al Termidhi/ al Nisa’I, described as “Hasan” by al Albani, Sahihul al jami‘, No. 3050].

Translation of Selected Arabic Terms